Blog

How To Change Facts to Fiction

by EvieBurke, posted in Default Setting

In my last post I asked what facts about yourself are no longer true? And what facts do you want to change?

Take a couple of minutes to think about one of those facts. No really, do it, I’ll be here when you’re ready.

Now that you have a fact or two. Let’s talk about a way to change those facts.

What are the messages you give yourself around these facts? Now, what message do you want to give yourself? This one can be tricky, because I know I automatically want to say that opposite of my old fact. However, as my coach points out, when we do that our subconscious can sabotage us because it’s going, “yeah right.” My old fact was “I’m uncoordinated.” So, saying “I’m coordinated” doesn’t really ring true. Sure, that’s how I want to feel or be, but I’ve spent a lot of time believing I’m uncoordinated, so saying the opposite isn’t going to magically make it true.

So, think about what if this fact wasn’t true? How do you behave? What do you experience? Who do you get to be? And replace your old fact with the new truth. It should be something that rings true for you.

For me, being coordinated meant better hand/eye coordination, but it also meant not being ashamed of myself when I couldn’t easily do something that I perceived my peers could easily do. So, if I was coordinated it meant that I could be more comfortable in my own skin and know I could easily keep up with everyone around me. So, a new truth I could have replaced my old fact with is “I’m strong and capable.” That rang true.

Actually, “I’m strong and capable” was an affirmation that I regularly used. I repeated it to myself over and over again before important or stressful meetings. I wanted to be more confident, but saying “I’m confident” didn’t feel true. “I’m strong and capable” felt true and reassuring. I also thought about how it felt emotionally and physically to be strong and capable. So, going into those meetings I would sit straighter, talk calmly and clearly and stay on topic.

What does your new truth feel like emotionally and physically? Use both that and the words as you work on replacing old facts.

If you’re having problems with coming up with a new truth, ask yourself why you want to replace your old fact. So, why do you want to be coordinated? Once you have an answer, ask yourself why again and keep going as long as you can. You’ll emotionally (and maybe physically) feel it when you get to the end. You might find you have a different fact you want to change.

Is That Fact True?

by EvieBurke, posted in Default Setting

When I was in high school I was tall and extremely uncoordinated. Adults who didn’t know me well would ask if I played basketball and encourage me to start when they found out I didn’t. After all, I was tall. I would tell them that I wasn’t very coordinated, so the basketball team probably wouldn’t want me and try to leave the conversation very quickly.

“I’m very uncoordinated” was a message that quite frequently played itself in my head. Run my book bag into something or someone: “Sorry, I’m just uncoordinated.” Drop something: “Oops, uncoordinated!”

At some point I stopped saying this to myself and others on a regular basis, but if it came up I would still have completely agreed with it. The funny thing is, at some point over the last several years something odd started to happen. When I would drop something, or knock something over I was sometimes able to catch it. While I no longer carry a book bag, I generally have a large purse with me and I don’t run it into people. And I can (usually) stand on one foot and put a sock on the other without falling over. All of that and I was still wasn’t coordinated!

Well, that’s what I told myself. I’ve recently realized that despite what I’ve been telling myself – I am coordinated. I’m not exactly sure when it changed, but I do know that I’ve unintentionally been working on it for a while. How? Well, I’m in better physical shape than I was in high school and much more aware of my surroundings.

When I realized that saying “I’m uncoordinated” was no longer true, I wondered what other facts about me are no longer (if they ever were) true. I’ve found a couple and am keeping my eye out for more.

I also realized that if I had wanted to I could have become more coordinated while in high school with a little bit of work (regardless of my lack of interest in joining the basketball team). So, what facts about me do I want to change now? I’m working on creating that list.

So, what facts about you are no longer true? And what facts do you want to change?

Happy Girl

I’m Only As Happy As I Decide To Be?

by EvieBurke, posted in Being Happy, Happiness

Happy Girl

“People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot the last two days. And I wonder: Do you agree with it?

I go back and forth with it. I agree because we always have choices about how we feel and act in any situation. So, if you’ve made up your mind to be happy (or unhappy for that matter) you’re much more likely to have that result.

However, I disagree because I have these voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough and that no one really wants to hear what I have to say. These voices pop up regardless of me deciding to be happy. And they can be really hard to shut up!

Like I said, we get to choose how we feel and act in each situation we are in. For me, part of that choice is recognizing when those voices pop up and deciding if I’m going to listen to them or not. And I run into problems when I don’t recognize the voices for what they are and listen to them.

Those voices have appeared a lot for me this week. And I retreated into myself quite a bit, because that’s more comfortable than putting myself out there. Today I recognized it for what it was and noticed one big change from how I would have reacted last year or even a few months ago. I started to beat myself up over it and then realized beating myself up over it only makes me feel worse and doesn’t move me forward. So, I recognized what was happening, forgave myself, and then moved on with my day.

I’m committed to being happy, but it doesn’t always come easy. And that’s my problem with the quote. It makes it seem so cut and dry, but we do have to start somewhere and a decision to be happier is a good place to start.

Tell me what you think. Do you agree or disagree with the Abraham Lincoln quote?

Photo credit: happy jumping girl by River Beach via flickr

Here’s Why It’s Not My Fault

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, Responsibility
This is the third and last post in this series. The first can be found here and the second here.

There was a time of my life when I absolutely dreaded being called into someone’s office, because it generally meant one of three things:

  1. I was going to be given more work to do (I already had too much to do and not enough time to do it).
  2. I was going to sit through a meeting that wasn’t going to do anything for me other than take time away from my other tasks.
  3. I was going to be “yelled at” for something falling through the cracks because I was working on other higher priority issues and now this thing was the high priority.

No option was something I wanted to spend my time on.

This is the last of three posts where I’ll go through one option and review how I reacted and an alternate that might have made me (and the people around me happier).

3. I was going to be “yelled at” for something falling through the cracks because I was working on other higher priority issues and now this thing was the high priority.

How I reacted:
I was immediately on the defensive. Explaining why it had fallen through the cracks: I had lots of other high priority, fix it now issues that I was looking at. Oh, and the client didn’t express that this was an important issue when I was reviewing their other high priority issues with them. Basically, I was saying that it’s not my fault and these are the reason why.

An alternate:
First, I want to take a look at the start of the sentence: “I was going to be ‘yelled at.'” Actually, it was rare for me to walk into an office and hear a raised voice in my direction. The times I do remember raised voices were generally after I explained why something wasn’t my fault and took no responsibility for a problem I helped create.

I very rarely accepted responsibility for something falling through the cracks. It pains me to say that now (I’d rather not admit it and avoided writing this post so I wouldn’t have to revisit it). Responsibility and honesty are two important values for me. I wasn’t honest with myself about what was happening and thus avoided taking responsibility for some messes I caused or contributed to.

At the time I didn’t realize that part of the problem was that I wasn’t taking responsibility for my role in things. I felt I was doing the best I could with each situation and I wanted to avoid being “in trouble” as much as possible. “Yelled at” was another way I worded being “in trouble.”

Making a mistake and thus being “in trouble” meant I had done something bad and I would beat myself up over it. At some point I realized that making mistakes is just something that people do unintentionally. It’s not good or bad, it just is. And instead of beating myself up over it I can look at what actions led up to the mistake and what I can do differently in the future.

When I was able to reframe making mistakes, I was also able to take more responsibility for my actions (or inactions) and the results. One side effects of taking responsibility for my part in problems was it was easier to describe what the problems were. My focus had shifted away from making sure I wasn’t going to get “in trouble” to solving the problem.

So, while I wasn’t taking responsibility for things I should have been, the real issue was that I didn’t want to be “in trouble.” Have you ever had a similar experience?

Ugh! Another Meeting

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, Complaining
This is the second of three posts in a series (the first).

There was a time of my life when I absolutely dreaded being called into someone’s office, because it generally meant one of three things:

  1. I was going to be given more work to do (I already had too much to do and not enough time to do it).
  2. I was going to sit through a meeting that wasn’t going to do anything for me other than take time away from my other tasks.
  3. I was going to be “yelled at” for something falling through the cracks because I was working on other higher priority issues and now this thing was the high priority.

No option was something I wanted to spend my time on.

This is the second of three posts where I’ll go through one option and review how I reacted and an alternate that might have made me (and the people around me happier).

2. I was going to sit through a meeting that wasn’t going to do anything for me than take time away from my other tasks.

How I reacted:
My thoughts upon learning I would be in a meeting were generally along the lines of: Ugh! Another meeting that I have to sit through when I could be doing something productive! Why do I need to waste my time there? I don’t have anything useful to contribute, and if I do it will be dismissed. And even though it’s only scheduled to take 30 minutes, it’ll go for at least 45, because they won’t start until everyone’s there and that will take at least ten minutes. And that’s if we don’t sit waiting for someone for a bit and then get told that they’re stuck in some other meeting or on a support call, and then we get to go through the whole process again! Ugh! Why can’t I just stay at my desk and get my stuff done?

An alternate:
First, spending time waiting for people to show up at a meeting can be really frustrating. However, one thing that never crossed my mind was that I was late pretty often too, or couldn’t make it, due to another meeting running long or being on a support call. Some how though, that was acceptable behavior for me, but not for others. I don’t think I realized that I was contributing to the same behavior that I found so frustrating. In this case, I could have acknowledged that I was frustrated and perhaps noted my own contribution to it and then moved on to something else.

I also automatically assumed that my opinion would be dismissed. When you make a suggestion or share an opinion with the thought in your head that it’s going to be dismissed, other people pick up on that. Why should they spend time exploring a suggestion that you don’t believe in? However, when you believe in your suggestion, that confidence is shown in your tone and body language. Others are much more likely to spend time exploring a suggestion they can tell you have confidence in.

While I was in meetings I was so absorbed with thinking about the things that I needed to get done at my desk that I wasn’t paying very close attention to the meeting. So, of course I wasn’t getting a lot out of the meeting or contributing to it! When I went into the meetings with an open and positive mind (meaning I wasn’t walking in saying “this is a waste of my time”) I got more out of the meetings, contributed more and occasionally (shh, don’t tell anyone) had fun! And when I went in with that attitude, waiting for ten minutes for a meeting to happen wasn’t so frustrating. Instead, I was able to talk with people I might not see on a regular basis and catch up with them. And if the meeting didn’t happen, it felt more like a nice break then a waste of my time.

What you expect, you get. When I expected an experience that wasted my time and was frustrating, I pretty much always got it. And when I expected an experience that would be useful and helpful to me (and maybe even fun), I pretty much always got that too. The people and the meetings didn’t really change, but what I expected out of the meetings did change.

What are your thoughts on this?