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LIFE – The Game Everyone Is Playing

by EvieBurke, posted in rules

Watch at least the first four minutes of this video by Dan Rezler:

Welcome to the Game of LIFE. The game every one is playing where the person with the most money wins.

Have you thought about the rules that you’re playing your life by? Are they the rules that you want to play and live by? Often, I find that I’m playing by rules that have been taught to me without thinking about it.

Someone tells me that they disagree with a decision I’ve made, well, perhaps I’d better rethink it, because they might know more about it than me. I make a mistake at work, well, I’d better be unhappy and frustrated about it all day to show that I understand that I’ve done something wrong and am punishing myself for it.

Those are just two examples of rules that I’ve lived by that I’ve realized I don’t have to. I get to choose the rules that I live by and it’s OK if everyone doesn’t agree with me. I also get to live with the consequences of those rules, whether they’re good or bad (if I decide that the speed limit is just a suggestion and get a ticket, then I get to pay a speeding ticket).

Consciously choosing the rules we want to live by can be scary, but it’s also very empowering.

I found this in the comments of this video:

My sister told me that to describe my strangeness to other people she says “It’s like everyone else is playing LIFE and she’s playing Monopoly, which is why she’s so confused that no one else is following her rules.”

And I told her “Why am I playing Monopoly? I want to play Clue. And why would you play LIFE? That’s a horrible game.”

I love this comment because she’s not only choosing the rules – she’s also choosing the game. And you get to do that too, it’s your life.

How To Change Facts to Fiction

by EvieBurke, posted in Default Setting

In my last post I asked what facts about yourself are no longer true? And what facts do you want to change?

Take a couple of minutes to think about one of those facts. No really, do it, I’ll be here when you’re ready.

Now that you have a fact or two. Let’s talk about a way to change those facts.

What are the messages you give yourself around these facts? Now, what message do you want to give yourself? This one can be tricky, because I know I automatically want to say that opposite of my old fact. However, as my coach points out, when we do that our subconscious can sabotage us because it’s going, “yeah right.” My old fact was “I’m uncoordinated.” So, saying “I’m coordinated” doesn’t really ring true. Sure, that’s how I want to feel or be, but I’ve spent a lot of time believing I’m uncoordinated, so saying the opposite isn’t going to magically make it true.

So, think about what if this fact wasn’t true? How do you behave? What do you experience? Who do you get to be? And replace your old fact with the new truth. It should be something that rings true for you.

For me, being coordinated meant better hand/eye coordination, but it also meant not being ashamed of myself when I couldn’t easily do something that I perceived my peers could easily do. So, if I was coordinated it meant that I could be more comfortable in my own skin and know I could easily keep up with everyone around me. So, a new truth I could have replaced my old fact with is “I’m strong and capable.” That rang true.

Actually, “I’m strong and capable” was an affirmation that I regularly used. I repeated it to myself over and over again before important or stressful meetings. I wanted to be more confident, but saying “I’m confident” didn’t feel true. “I’m strong and capable” felt true and reassuring. I also thought about how it felt emotionally and physically to be strong and capable. So, going into those meetings I would sit straighter, talk calmly and clearly and stay on topic.

What does your new truth feel like emotionally and physically? Use both that and the words as you work on replacing old facts.

If you’re having problems with coming up with a new truth, ask yourself why you want to replace your old fact. So, why do you want to be coordinated? Once you have an answer, ask yourself why again and keep going as long as you can. You’ll emotionally (and maybe physically) feel it when you get to the end. You might find you have a different fact you want to change.

Is That Fact True?

by EvieBurke, posted in Default Setting

When I was in high school I was tall and extremely uncoordinated. Adults who didn’t know me well would ask if I played basketball and encourage me to start when they found out I didn’t. After all, I was tall. I would tell them that I wasn’t very coordinated, so the basketball team probably wouldn’t want me and try to leave the conversation very quickly.

“I’m very uncoordinated” was a message that quite frequently played itself in my head. Run my book bag into something or someone: “Sorry, I’m just uncoordinated.” Drop something: “Oops, uncoordinated!”

At some point I stopped saying this to myself and others on a regular basis, but if it came up I would still have completely agreed with it. The funny thing is, at some point over the last several years something odd started to happen. When I would drop something, or knock something over I was sometimes able to catch it. While I no longer carry a book bag, I generally have a large purse with me and I don’t run it into people. And I can (usually) stand on one foot and put a sock on the other without falling over. All of that and I was still wasn’t coordinated!

Well, that’s what I told myself. I’ve recently realized that despite what I’ve been telling myself – I am coordinated. I’m not exactly sure when it changed, but I do know that I’ve unintentionally been working on it for a while. How? Well, I’m in better physical shape than I was in high school and much more aware of my surroundings.

When I realized that saying “I’m uncoordinated” was no longer true, I wondered what other facts about me are no longer (if they ever were) true. I’ve found a couple and am keeping my eye out for more.

I also realized that if I had wanted to I could have become more coordinated while in high school with a little bit of work (regardless of my lack of interest in joining the basketball team). So, what facts about me do I want to change now? I’m working on creating that list.

So, what facts about you are no longer true? And what facts do you want to change?

Happy Girl

I’m Only As Happy As I Decide To Be?

by EvieBurke, posted in Being Happy, Happiness

Happy Girl

“People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot the last two days. And I wonder: Do you agree with it?

I go back and forth with it. I agree because we always have choices about how we feel and act in any situation. So, if you’ve made up your mind to be happy (or unhappy for that matter) you’re much more likely to have that result.

However, I disagree because I have these voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough and that no one really wants to hear what I have to say. These voices pop up regardless of me deciding to be happy. And they can be really hard to shut up!

Like I said, we get to choose how we feel and act in each situation we are in. For me, part of that choice is recognizing when those voices pop up and deciding if I’m going to listen to them or not. And I run into problems when I don’t recognize the voices for what they are and listen to them.

Those voices have appeared a lot for me this week. And I retreated into myself quite a bit, because that’s more comfortable than putting myself out there. Today I recognized it for what it was and noticed one big change from how I would have reacted last year or even a few months ago. I started to beat myself up over it and then realized beating myself up over it only makes me feel worse and doesn’t move me forward. So, I recognized what was happening, forgave myself, and then moved on with my day.

I’m committed to being happy, but it doesn’t always come easy. And that’s my problem with the quote. It makes it seem so cut and dry, but we do have to start somewhere and a decision to be happier is a good place to start.

Tell me what you think. Do you agree or disagree with the Abraham Lincoln quote?

Photo credit: happy jumping girl by River Beach via flickr

Here’s Why It’s Not My Fault

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, Responsibility
This is the third and last post in this series. The first can be found here and the second here.

There was a time of my life when I absolutely dreaded being called into someone’s office, because it generally meant one of three things:

  1. I was going to be given more work to do (I already had too much to do and not enough time to do it).
  2. I was going to sit through a meeting that wasn’t going to do anything for me other than take time away from my other tasks.
  3. I was going to be “yelled at” for something falling through the cracks because I was working on other higher priority issues and now this thing was the high priority.

No option was something I wanted to spend my time on.

This is the last of three posts where I’ll go through one option and review how I reacted and an alternate that might have made me (and the people around me happier).

3. I was going to be “yelled at” for something falling through the cracks because I was working on other higher priority issues and now this thing was the high priority.

How I reacted:
I was immediately on the defensive. Explaining why it had fallen through the cracks: I had lots of other high priority, fix it now issues that I was looking at. Oh, and the client didn’t express that this was an important issue when I was reviewing their other high priority issues with them. Basically, I was saying that it’s not my fault and these are the reason why.

An alternate:
First, I want to take a look at the start of the sentence: “I was going to be ‘yelled at.'” Actually, it was rare for me to walk into an office and hear a raised voice in my direction. The times I do remember raised voices were generally after I explained why something wasn’t my fault and took no responsibility for a problem I helped create.

I very rarely accepted responsibility for something falling through the cracks. It pains me to say that now (I’d rather not admit it and avoided writing this post so I wouldn’t have to revisit it). Responsibility and honesty are two important values for me. I wasn’t honest with myself about what was happening and thus avoided taking responsibility for some messes I caused or contributed to.

At the time I didn’t realize that part of the problem was that I wasn’t taking responsibility for my role in things. I felt I was doing the best I could with each situation and I wanted to avoid being “in trouble” as much as possible. “Yelled at” was another way I worded being “in trouble.”

Making a mistake and thus being “in trouble” meant I had done something bad and I would beat myself up over it. At some point I realized that making mistakes is just something that people do unintentionally. It’s not good or bad, it just is. And instead of beating myself up over it I can look at what actions led up to the mistake and what I can do differently in the future.

When I was able to reframe making mistakes, I was also able to take more responsibility for my actions (or inactions) and the results. One side effects of taking responsibility for my part in problems was it was easier to describe what the problems were. My focus had shifted away from making sure I wasn’t going to get “in trouble” to solving the problem.

So, while I wasn’t taking responsibility for things I should have been, the real issue was that I didn’t want to be “in trouble.” Have you ever had a similar experience?