What She Did Right

I was talking with someone going through a difficult time at work recently, let’s call her Jane. Jane explained how unhappy she was at work and talked about the long hours she was putting in. She also shared that she was taking this as an opportunity to learn about herself. She said she found strengths she previously didn’t know she had and is learning how important boundaries are. She shared this information as the ground work for figuring out what she can do so she doesn’t feel completely drained at the end of the day.

Jane did a lot right with this situation. Here are four things that I observed:

She didn’t blame anyone.

Jane could have very easily blamed her long hours and unhappiness on her co-workers or boss or even herself, but she didn’t. She knew that her situation wasn’t specifically one person’s fault. It was the result of a lot of different things.

When things aren’t going well at work it can be easy to place the blame on a boss or co-worker. I know a common thought I had when things weren’t going well at work was along the lines of “well if so-and-so had just done x then I wouldn’t be having problem y.” I would forget that so-and-so had their own set of responsibilities and work to deal with and my top priorities were not necessarily their top priorities. And, generally, so-and-so doing x wasn’t really a reasonable request (because of their job or personality).

Sometimes the person hardest on you is you. While it’s important to take responsibility for your actions, beating yourself up about a situation isn’t helpful. And usually there isn’t one specific action that’s responsible for being frustrated or unhappy with work.

She didn’t complain about her situation, she shared where she was, then moved on to what she wanted from the conversation.

The energy of complaining is different than that of sharing. Jane shared enough of the situation help me understand what was going on and then moved on to what she wanted from the conversation. She didn’t dwell on what wasn’t working or her unhappiness. She was focused on moving past those things.

Sometimes when things aren’t going well all you want to do is complain about what’s going on, because you think that will make you feel better. Complaining won’t make you feel better, you’re going to have the same problems you had before and you just might make yourself more frustrated with the situation by complaining. If you’re looking for help on the issue and need to share your complaint to give the full picture, great! Just don’t spend all your time there – focus on moving forward.

She selectively shared her situation with others.

Jane had a couple of ideas about what she could do about her situation and also valued others thoughts, but was selective about who she shared it with. She didn’t share with people who would want to focus on how frustrating it was. Instead she shared with people she knew she could trust, would understand her situation, ask important questions and explore her options with her.

When you find yourself in a frustrating situation talk to your friends, mentor or coach who won’t focus on what’s going wrong, but on how to make more go right. It was clear at the end of our conversation that Jane was feeling a lot better about her situation. While if she had found people to complain with, she would have left more frustrated than when she started.

She looked for and found lessons in her situation

Jane recognized that even though she wasn’t thrilled with her situation she could learn from it. Sometimes when we’re going through a difficult time, we forget to look for the lessons we can learn from it. Jane saw the silver lining in her difficulties: she’s learning to set boundaries and saying no more often, both things she’s had problems with in the past.

What do you do when you are frustrated or unhappy with a recurring situation (like work)?

Photo credit: Implicit Smile by janoma.cl via flickr

Ugh! Another Meeting

This is the second of three posts in a series (the first).

There was a time of my life when I absolutely dreaded being called into someone’s office, because it generally meant one of three things:

  1. I was going to be given more work to do (I already had too much to do and not enough time to do it).
  2. I was going to sit through a meeting that wasn’t going to do anything for me other than take time away from my other tasks.
  3. I was going to be “yelled at” for something falling through the cracks because I was working on other higher priority issues and now this thing was the high priority.

No option was something I wanted to spend my time on.

This is the second of three posts where I’ll go through one option and review how I reacted and an alternate that might have made me (and the people around me happier).

2. I was going to sit through a meeting that wasn’t going to do anything for me than take time away from my other tasks.

How I reacted:
My thoughts upon learning I would be in a meeting were generally along the lines of: Ugh! Another meeting that I have to sit through when I could be doing something productive! Why do I need to waste my time there? I don’t have anything useful to contribute, and if I do it will be dismissed. And even though it’s only scheduled to take 30 minutes, it’ll go for at least 45, because they won’t start until everyone’s there and that will take at least ten minutes. And that’s if we don’t sit waiting for someone for a bit and then get told that they’re stuck in some other meeting or on a support call, and then we get to go through the whole process again! Ugh! Why can’t I just stay at my desk and get my stuff done?

An alternate:
First, spending time waiting for people to show up at a meeting can be really frustrating. However, one thing that never crossed my mind was that I was late pretty often too, or couldn’t make it, due to another meeting running long or being on a support call. Some how though, that was acceptable behavior for me, but not for others. I don’t think I realized that I was contributing to the same behavior that I found so frustrating. In this case, I could have acknowledged that I was frustrated and perhaps noted my own contribution to it and then moved on to something else.

I also automatically assumed that my opinion would be dismissed. When you make a suggestion or share an opinion with the thought in your head that it’s going to be dismissed, other people pick up on that. Why should they spend time exploring a suggestion that you don’t believe in? However, when you believe in your suggestion, that confidence is shown in your tone and body language. Others are much more likely to spend time exploring a suggestion they can tell you have confidence in.

While I was in meetings I was so absorbed with thinking about the things that I needed to get done at my desk that I wasn’t paying very close attention to the meeting. So, of course I wasn’t getting a lot out of the meeting or contributing to it! When I went into the meetings with an open and positive mind (meaning I wasn’t walking in saying “this is a waste of my time”) I got more out of the meetings, contributed more and occasionally (shh, don’t tell anyone) had fun! And when I went in with that attitude, waiting for ten minutes for a meeting to happen wasn’t so frustrating. Instead, I was able to talk with people I might not see on a regular basis and catch up with them. And if the meeting didn’t happen, it felt more like a nice break then a waste of my time.

What you expect, you get. When I expected an experience that wasted my time and was frustrating, I pretty much always got it. And when I expected an experience that would be useful and helpful to me (and maybe even fun), I pretty much always got that too. The people and the meetings didn’t really change, but what I expected out of the meetings did change.

What are your thoughts on this?

What! More Work?

There was a time of my life when I absolutely dreaded being called into someone’s office, because it generally meant one of three things:

  1. I was going to be given more work to do (I already had too much to do and not enough time to do it).
  2. I was going to sit through a meeting that wasn’t going to do anything for me other than take time away from my other tasks.
  3. I was going to be “yelled at” for something falling through the cracks because I was working on other higher priority issues and now this thing was the high priority.

No option was something I wanted to spend my time on.

In this and the next two posts I’ll go through one option and review how I reacted and an alternate that might have made me (and the people around me happier).

1. I was going to be given more work to do (and I already had too much to do and not enough time to do it).

How I reacted:
My outward reaction depended on who was giving me the task. If it was someone I felt fairly comfortable with I might let them know that I was frustrated I was getting additional projects or tasks. If it wasn’t someone I felt comfortable with I’d say “Ok”, get any details I needed and head back to my cube. In either case I was annoyed and frustrated that something else was being “dumped” on me.

I also wondered if anyone actually appreciated the work I got done, because it felt like as soon as I got something done I got two or three more things to do. I felt punished for getting work done in a timely manner sometimes.

An alternate:
Instead of being upset and complaining to myself that things were being “dumped” on me. I could have made a request to that something else be taken of my plate or a deadline be moved. I was extremely reluctant to speak up for myself because I was sure I would be shot down. The biggest problem with thinking like this is that I never tried so I can’t actually say what would have happened.

This also ties into not complaining. Complaining lowers your energy, both mentally and physically. I spent so much time complaining about what I was doing and what I had left to do that I wasn’t putting as much attention into what I was working on.

Also, take a look at the language I was using. I felt “dumped” on. Of course I wasn’t going to be happy doing whatever task was just assigned to me! Changing my language to a more neutral tone would have made a difference. Instead of saying a task got dumped on me, I could have just as easily said I have a new task.

As for being appreciated, I found very little of what I was doing to be “fun,” so I wanted to be appreciated for all the “not fun” things I was doing. Well, no one was going to pat me on the head and say good job every time I did something that was my job to do. I don’t mean that harshly, it’s just the truth. Another truth is if you go into something dreading it and thinking about all the other things you’d rather be doing (things like not being at work), then you’re not going to enjoy what you’re doing.

The ironic thing is that I wasn’t appreciating what I was accomplishing each day. If I’m not appreciating what I’m getting done, why would someone else? Taking 30 seconds after completing a task to allow myself to feel a sense of accomplishment could have made a big difference.

What would you recommend someone do in a situation like this? Let me know in the comments.

Photo credit: Just working with some…FRUSTRATION! by [ jeremy ] via flickr

Is Control an Illusion?

I was thinking about control the other day and how we don’t have control over a lot of things that happen in our lives.  We can’t control the weather, our friends and family or the other drivers.  Sometimes this can be rather frustrating for me.  Where is spring?  Why is it still chilly here? Why is that person tailgating me?  Who’s going to be nice and let me change lanes?

So, last weekend when I heard someone say that being in control of our lives is just an illusion, I immediately nodded my head in agreement.  After all, just look at the list of things I can’t control.  The list of things I can’t control is infinite.

Then I remembered the one thing I do have control of in all situations.  I am in control of how I choose to react in each situation I’m in or observe.  I get to choose whether the guy tailgating me annoys the heck out of me or not.  I get to choose if I complain about the cold day or enjoy the fact that the sun is out.  You get to make those same decisions in your life.

So, is control an illusion?  I guess it depends on what you’re trying to control.  Are you trying to control the situation or your reaction to the situation?  I find it’s less stressful for me when I make the decision to control my reaction, rather than the situation.

What do you think?

Complaining Lowers Your Energy

I’ve written before about not complaining.  Today I thought I’d share a specific example about how not complaining kept my energy higher throughout the day.

In September of last year I want to a day long event in St Louis on a Sunday.  I didn’t want to take any time off to attend and I hadn’t told anyone at work that I was training to be a coach and the event was about making money as an entrepreneur.  So, I didn’t want to come into work too late either.  That meant I would either be driving home really late Sunday night or flying home early Monday.  I decided to fly (the airfare from O’Hare to St. Louis vs the gas and time cost made it cheaper).

Flying meant I had to be up, ready for work, and out of the hotel by 5am.  My husband picked me up at O’Hare and I was at work around 8:30, which was actually a little early for me because I usually got to work around 9am.

I was very tired that morning because I went to bed late on Sunday and was up very early on Monday.  However, I couldn’t complain about it to anyone because they didn’t know what I was up to!  The result was I didn’t wallow in the fact that I didn’t get very much sleep and actually kept my energy at a decent level throughout the day.  If I would have complained about it all day I would have felt tired and been unproductive all day.

Complaining takes energy and it lowers your energy.  When you make the effort to stop complaining, your energy shifts and you have more physical and mental energy available to you!

Tell me about a time you noticed this in your life in the comments!