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“Everything Happens For a Reason” or “You Can Learn From Everything”

by EvieBurke, posted in perspective, Responsibility

When you first read both those statements they sound very similar. However, they’re actually very different.

Everything Happens For a Reason
This saying indicates that every event or outcome happens specifically to teach you something or move you in a certain direction.

You Can Learn From Everything
This saying indicates that you walk away from every event or outcome having learned something.

What I Believe
I do not believe that “everything happens for a reason.” I find it incredibly hard to believe that I am meant to learn a specific lesson or move in a specific direction for each event that occurs in my life. I am a firm believer in personal choice and responsibility.  “Everything happens for a reason” feels too much like I’m placing events and results in someone else’s hands instead of taking responsibility where it’s appropriate. The example I always come back to is an unexpected death of a healthy young person I knew. I find hard to believe that it happened specifically so one person (or a few people) could learn something or move toward something or that there was a “reason” it happened.

I do believe that “you can learn from everything.”  This puts the choice in your hands and you get to ask questions like “What can I learn about myself from this?” or “What can I take away from this experience?” In the example above, I find “you can learn from everything” much more empowering. Instead of looking for the one reason his death occurred, I looked for the lessons that I learned about myself and others.

Conclusion
Which saying do you believe?

Who Do You Count On?

by EvieBurke, posted in support

two kids walking with their arms around each otherMy husband and I don’t live close to most of our family. We’re involved in other activities that cause us to stay close to home on the weekends. The result is we don’t visit our families very often.

One weekend over the summer my sister and I traveled 4 hours one way to attend a family reunion. We had a great time at the family reunion and stayed well past everyone else because it was at our aunt and uncle’s home. At the end of the evening we went a half mile up the road to our Grandparents and spent the night. And on Sunday we visited with more family!

This is what I realized at the end of the weekend:

  • I really love my family
  • Going there always feels a bit like “going home”
  • When I’m there, I always want to come back next week
  • There’s nothing quite like family and hearing stories about them and yourself that you’ve forgotten

For me, connecting with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and my cousins’ kids reminds me how much love I have for people I see only a few times a year and how much I cherish those family connections. It feeds my soul in a way I really can’t put into words.

Having these connections to others is important. We might not always agree with each other’s choices, but we’ll always be there for each other to help to celebrate, to mourn or to help pick up the pieces. These people may be your family or they may be your best friends.

Knowing that you have a support system is a happiness booster. They’re the people that are there for you no matter what and love you unconditionally.

Who makes up your support system? Who are the people that you love to spend time with? Are they the same group? Make some time in the next week to spend time with people from both groups (if they’re not the same). Notice how it feels to be with them and be thankful they’re in your life.

What’s Not Working vs What’s Wrong

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, perspective

In the last post I wrote about focusing on what goes right instead of what goes wrong. Later, I remembered reading something when I was still trying to figure out what being happy looked like for me without changing jobs. The gist of the article was that focusing on what’s going wrong instead of what’s going right is what’s wrong with today’s business culture.

Ok, besides the irony of that topic, I remember thinking that in some cases focusing on what went wrong is really the best thing you can do. And you know what, I was wrong!

Let me back up a bit. I was a project manager and computer programmer at that point (yes, I was doing both over the course of my day). A big part of my job was looking what my clients reported wasn’t working with the software and doing one of 3 things: (1) solve/fix it, (2) find a suitable work-around or (3) report the problem to development (and hopefully find a temporary work-around for the client). The very nature of my job was focusing on what WASN’T working.

My thought at the time was if I only focused on what was working my clients would be very unhappy with me and I would quickly be out of a job. And really, who wants either of those things!?

However, there’s a difference between focusing only on what’s going wrong and focusing on what’s not working. I’m deliberately using separate words for each because the difference is what you focus on.

Let me explain. There’s a difference between having a leak in your roof and getting really upset that there’s a leak in your roof. The difference is your reaction. Having a leak in your roof is a fact; there’s a problem with the roof and you probably want to fix it. Getting upset that there’s a leak in the roof is an emotion you naturally have AND can decide to not have.

So, in my previous job things that weren’t working with the software were facts; this isn’t working as desired (or designed) and needed to be fixed. If my reaction was to be upset that I had to deal will all this stuff that wasn’t working (which I often did) then I could change that by focusing on what was going right.

Now, at first glance this could be a difficult task. After all, it was rare for me to hear about how well something was working. However, at some point I stopped being so frustrated by each problem that was reported and instead each new problem was just that – a new problem – and not something to get upset about. I’m not sure exactly when that happened, but I do know it took a bit of work on my part.

So, what did I do?

  1. I decided to stop complaining. Complaining wasn’t making me feel better and it usually wasn’t venting. So, I decided to stop. And when I found myself complaining I did one of two things:
    1. Go immediately to the solution. This looks like: I’m really upset that this problem is still happening AND I’m going to talk to someone in development about a possible work-around. The part before AND is the complaint, the part after is the solution.
    2. Say something nice about the situation or person. This looks like: I’m really upset that this problem is still happening AND Amy is so nice about it on the phone.
  2. Changed the situation to better match my skills. Eventually my position changed and I was no longer a project manager. This was a great relief to me. I still worked on finding the solutions or work-arounds (what I really liked to do and was good at), and someone else took the phone calls and emails from the clients (I was good at it, but really liked problem solving better). Part of my frustration with getting calls or emails of new problems was it interrupted me when I was working on a solution to an existing problem – because someone else talked with the client – I was able to focus on one problem at a time.

What are things you’ve done when you’ve found yourself in a job that at first glance seems to be one that only focuses on what’s not working?

Photo credit: HA1 by Highways Agency via Flickr

When You Don’t Get Exactly What You Want

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, Complaining, perspective

Have you ever had an expectation in a situation that wasn’t met the way you wanted it to or envisioned it? You expected x to happen and instead y happened. How did you feel about that? Disappointed, frustrated, maybe upset? Did you focus on what went wrong instead of what went right?

Guess what? You’re normal!

So, what can you do when you find that you’re focusing on what went wrong in a situation?

  1. Recognize you’re feeling that way, that it’s normal and OK
  2. Decide to focus on what went right
  3. Make a list of what went right

It’d be easy enough for me to stop writing there, but I thought you might want to know what prompted this topic. You see, yesterday I ran errands. I had a list of stores and things to get and off I went that morning. I arrived at the first store – an inviting, small and homey shop run by a very nice woman – and told her what I was looking for. She had something similar, but not exactly what I wanted. I had already looked in a few stores for what I wanted, couldn’t find it and I was sure I would have better luck at a small store specializing in what I was looking for. The woman was very frank with me and said I’d probably not find exactly what I was looking for and offered some other really good suggestions.

I decided what I wanted and reached my hand into my purse to pay AND didn’t have my wallet! It was sitting at home next to my computer. I shared this with her and said I’d return in the afternoon. Knowing I traveled about 30 minutes to her store, she offered to ring up my items, send me home with them and I could mail her a check! So, I thanked her, we chatted and I left her my business card and headed home with my new purchases – the rest of my errands on hold for another day because I had no wallet.

On my way home I found myself with one feeling and two thoughts around the previous hour’s events. What do you think the feeling and thoughts were?

Well, I felt disappointed because (1) I didn’t find exactly what I wanted and (2) I had to cut my errands short because I left my wallet at home. Interesting right? Out of everything that happened in a fairly brief period of time that was what I left with.

This is pretty common; you focus on what went wrong or not as planned instead of everything that went right. In the past it would have taken me a day or two to notice that I focused on what went wrong  (if I noticed it at all) and then beat myself up because I was so wrong to focus on that.

However, I feel it doesn’t serve me to stay disappointed and upset, so I followed the steps I outlined above. (1) I acknowledged that I was disappointed and that it’s OK to feel that way and then (2) reviewed the situation for other ways to feel about the morning and (3) listed what was good about the morning’s events:

  • The alternate suggestions that were offered were extremely helpful and things I hadn’t thought of before, lots of value right there.
  • If I ever have any problems with the items I purchased I can go back to the store or call her for suggestions (you don’t get that kind of personalized help at most major chain stores)
  • She allowed me to walk out of the store with over $70 in merchandise that I hadn’t paid for – with only a business card and a promise that I would mail her a check – so I could save an hour of my time later
  • If I choose to I can continue to look for exactly what it is that I want without feeling stressed about it because I have a very good alternative
  • It was a GORGEOUS day out and because my errands were cut short I was able to take a more scenic route home and enjoy the sunny fall day

Go ahead and try this next time you notice you’re focusing on what went wrong. Your mood will change – mine did.

Try it and let me know how it goes in the comments!

Doing It For Others Or For Yourself?

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, Being Happy

I started writing this post about how frustrating it can be to do things for others and not be appreciated for it – when the reality is you’re doing it for yourself and justifying the time spent by saying it’s for someone else (when I do this it’s because I’m listening to the voice in my head that tells me it’s OK to spend time doing things for other people, but not for myself).

I remembered hearing a conversation about it, but couldn’t place where the conversation took place. Then I remembered! It wasn’t a conversation at all but two blog posts by the wonderful Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project. So, instead of re-hashing her posts, I’m sending you over there (to the source!) to read them. It includes some other great pieces of information too! It’s all in her posts: Why I Try Not To Do Things For Others, But Instead, Do Them For Myself and 5 Mistakes I Continue To Make in My Marriage.

Let me know what things you do for others that are really for yourself in the comments!