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It Seemed That Life Was About To Begin

by EvieBurke, posted in Changes, Happiness

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
– Father Alfred D’Souza

That quote really resonates with me. I’ve probably mentioned it before, but this quote describes a period of my life. I was waiting, because there was so much to finish before my life could begin.

“When does my life get to be about ME?” If I didn’t have this exact thought I had one very similar. When I think about how I would have said that it’s usually as someone who’d been running around for everyone else and is exhausted and wants some time to herself. Occasionally, it’s with the voice of an annoyed teenager who’s been asked to do something for someone else that they don’t want to do.

I bet I said it as the tired adult, but my inner critic (that voice that says you’re not good enough, or some version of that) told me it actually sounded like that annoyed and whiney teenager. So, the thought would be quickly dismissed as selfish and life would continue without change.

There were lots of reasons to wait (I am always armed with many reasons, coughexcusescough). I had obligations to fill, expectations to meet and other people’s goals to achieve. So, my own needs, expectations and goals fell into the categories of “if I have time” or the never arriving “later.”

So, when did my life get to be about me? Well, the answer is simple and complicated and can be summed up in one sentence: When I decided it did. Simple to say, more complicated to accomplish.

Why was it complicated? Well, I believed it was important to be nice.  More specifically it was important that other people thought that I was a nice person. And to me that meant saying yes to things without really thinking about it, because if I said no (or even I need to think about it) they might get upset with me, and if they’re upset with me then I’m not nice or they won’t like me! This of course led to me wanting and needing to fill everyone else’s needs and expectations before my own. No wonder I was so tired!

I started making changes when I decided it was time to be nice to me. I didn’t know this quote at the time, but it sums up what I told myself as I started saying no more and stepping away from additional responsibility:

Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter. – Bernard Baruch

Heck, I still tell myself that on occasion when I realize I’ve taken on too much or that it’s time to reevaluate how I spend my time.

It feels weird to say my life is all about me – it feels selfish and unkind. But it’s not – you can’t take care of someone else unless you’re taking care of yourself. It’s like they tell you when you fly – if something happens put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help the people around you.

So, since your life has already begun – what obstacles do you want to remove to enjoy it more?

2012 Word Of The Year

by EvieBurke, posted in Goals, Word of the Year

When the year changes many people set resolutions – things they will do (or not do) to make this year different. I stopped doing resolutions a few years ago and started doing a word of the year instead, a word to inspire and guide me through the year. In 2010 my word was intention and in 2011 it was engage. I’m sure I had one in 2009, but I didn’t have a blog then to help me remember what my word was.

I started thinking about my word for 2012 about half way through December. In the past picking my word of the year involved dedicating a chunk of time to the process. I sat down with a worksheet, thought about it and reviewed my choices and decided what felt right for the New Year.

This year the process was completely different. Each time I the concept of a 2012 word of the year popped into my head it was immediately followed by the word “create.” Since it continued to happen, I knew that “create” was my word for 2012 and didn’t do the longer process with the worksheet.

I don’t exactly know why my word of the year process was different this year. Perhaps I’m hearing that small quiet voice and recognizing it as something to pay attention to, instead of ignoring. And I’m not as tied to needing a process laid out by someone else to pick my exact right word of the year. I trust myself more than in previous years.

Regardless of the process, my 2012 word is “create.” And in December it appeared in my vocabulary in a significant way even before I started thinking about my word of the year. It popped into my head one day in the form of a question: “What do I want to create today?” And I was able to answer it with clarity and enthusiasm!

“What do I want to create today?” is how I start each day now and sometimes how I end my day. It gives me a direction or a path to follow each day and energy for it too!

Last year I set several specific strategies about how I could be “engaged.” Right now my only strategy is to ask myself “What do I want to create today?” each day and be open what comes up.

There’s a lot of energy behind the word “create.” So, I’m excited to see how this word (and the energy) will appear for me in 2012.

Have you selected your word for 2012? I’d love to know what it is! Leave it in the comments below.

Year-End Review of “Engage”

by EvieBurke, posted in Goals, intention, Word of the Year

My 2011 word of the year was “engage.” You can see the other posts about it here and here. Today is a year-end review of “engage.”

Looking back, the funny thing about my 2011 word of the year being “engage” is that I learned the most from where I wasn’t engaged or when I stopped being engaged. My coach says “who you’re being anywhere is who you’re being everywhere.” And it’s certainly true.

Many of my strategies for being engaged revolved around setting intentions and goals. And that’s a great way to tackle being engaged (or any goal). I apparently am very tied to how I see things going. Meaning – when I set intentions or goals I have a very clear idea how I see them working out. Which is ok and probably to be expected. However, when things don’t work out quite the way I thought they would I’d disengage.

Yep, instead of re-evaluating the situation I’d throw my hands up and say “well that didn’t work. I guess I should try something entirely different.” And set a new intention or goal without really reviewing why things didn’t go the way I expected or thinking about what could be slightly tweaked or changed to allow it to still work – or work next time. Apparently I was an all or nothing type girl this year.

I’ve struggled this year with things not going the way I expected and beat myself up over it quite thoroughly. Negative self-talk – ohh, I had a lot of that this year. High expectations with little wiggle room with how to reach those goals, yep, got that too! Do you see the problem? I didn’t for quite a while and when you add high expectations with no flexibility and negative self-talk you end up with a lot of beating yourself up!

The past month has been the best and worst month this year – and I type that with a smile on my face. I looked back at the year and saw the patterns – beat myself up about it and then forgave myself. That last part can be the hardest part to do – forgiving yourself – and it’s the most important. It lead to me to letting go of a seemly small and insignificant obligation that I’d been thinking about letting go of for months. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because of what I perceived as other people’s expectations of me. Letting go of that one obligation seems small, but was huge. I was actually putting myself first and letting go of expectations (mine and others).

That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that I don’t know what the future will hold and despite my best efforts, I can’t plan it into exactly what I want it to be. So, maybe I can enjoy the ride a bit more. And enjoying the ride means letting go of how I think things should go and enjoying them as they are.

This doesn’t mean I’m not going to set goals, intentions or make changes. It does mean that if those goals, intentions or changes don’t have the exact end result I anticipate then I’ll spend less time being disappointed and upset about it and more time enjoying the unanticipated outcome.

Part of the process this month was done with my coach (the friendly different perspective and prompting was invaluable) and resulted in me writing about what happens now after all the self evaluation, disappointment, anger and (of course) forgiveness. I’ll end today with the last line of the page I wrote:

I don’t know exactly what the future will hold or exactly the path I will take to reach my goals – and that’s ok – the path will unfold as I go and I can stop and look around and enjoy it a bit more.

How Often Do You Recharge Your Battery?

by EvieBurke, posted in intention

What are the things you intentionally do? Some that come to mind are getting cash from an ATM, putting gas in a car or getting to an appointment on time. Those are just a few of the many things we intentionally do over the course of a week. And we do them because we know the consequences when we don’t. For example, if you ignore putting gas into your car (or if you forget) your car will stop running.

So tell me, do you recharge yourself as intentionally as you put gas in your car? I’m guessing you make sure that there is always enough gas in your car to get places, but are you getting enough sleep? Are you spending enough time doing things that recharge your system?

If you’re anything like me, some days are better than others. Sure, I try to get enough sleep each night, but it doesn’t always happen. I try to have some quality personal time each day, but more often than not I’ll settle for some less than quality YouTube or TV time.

What are the consequences of not recharging our batteries? We have less energy throughout the day. Think of it this way: every interaction we have uses or gives us energy, both physically and mentally. And that energy affects our mood. The more energy we have the better our mood. (Interestingly, our mood also affects our energy, but that’s a topic for another time)

How would your day be different if you made time to recharge your personal battery the same way you make time for other things (like putting gas in your car)? What is one thing you can do this week to do that?

Who Can You Change?

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude

If you could change one person in your life right now, who would it be? In your head, picture that person smiling. Thank them for who they are and for the lessons that they teach you about yourself.

That person you’d like to change – you can’t change them. No one can change anyone other than themselves. The people you’d like to change can teach you a great deal about yourself and your patterns.  Remember this post about how to change how others treat you?

You can’t change someone else, but you can control how often you see them. If the person is someone you can’t (or don’t want to) limit interactions with – like a spouse or family member then be sure to read the post mentioned above. Also, in some cases the difficulty is the result of a series of miscommunications. Check that you’re not reacting to a tone the other person might not even realize they have. Also check that you’re not reacting to an assumption you (or the other person) made.

You can’t change someone else – you can change your response to them. If you notice that you tend to react in a certain way when with one person in particular – notice when you’re reacting in that way and consciously chose to behave differently. I used to find myself feeling attacked and getting very mad when I was around one person. I couldn’t avoid him, but I could change my behavior. So, one time when I found myself heading down the path of feeling attacked and getting angry, I consciously choose to stay calm and answer each question calmly, accurately and concisely. Much to my surprise, he matched my tone (instead of me matching his) and calmed down.

Where in your life can you take control of your reactions?