Month: July 2011

Do I Have A Bad Day If You Do?

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude

I watched a YouTube video earlier today about a guy who was riding his bicycle and got called a name by a guy in a passing truck. He talked about how he immediately wondered what he was doing wrong that caused this. Did he act wrong, was he dressed wrong? What was it he did wrong?

Have you ever had a similar experience? Someone says something unkind and you wonder what you did wrong to cause that reaction. I think that’s a fairly normal response. Put your hand on the stove and it’s going to get burned, cut a guy off in traffic and you might see with a few interesting gestures made in your direction, cause and effect right?

Back to the video, he wondered what he did wrong for a while before realizing: He didn’t do anything wrong. Whatever caused the guy in the truck to call him a name had nothing to do with him and everything to do with the guy in the truck.

We often forget that just as we see the world through our own experiences, everyone else sees the world through their own, different set of experiences. Someone calls you a name from their truck, and we automatically review ourselves at that moment to find out what we were doing wrong. We only have that brief interaction and our own actions to review, and we forget that the person in the truck, who’s being rude, is perhaps living their life by completely different rules and had a completely different day.

Or at work, we make a small mistake and find ourselves in the boss’s office being reprimanded for how we handled it. We don’t understand why this small mistake warrants such a severe response. Maybe we get upset or maybe we quickly brush it off. Either way, we forget that the boss is looking at it through a different set of experiences.

As you go through your day, remember that everyone is making the best decisions they can, based on what their experiences have taught them.

Unfortunately, some people’s experiences have taught them that when they are feeling bad, they feel better if they share that bad feeling with others and that it’s perfectly okay to do that (for the record, it’s not).

So, how do we handle it if we end up on the receiving end?

  1. Realize that it’s not really about you. It’s about the other person and brush it off.
  2. If you can’t brush it off, get help in whatever form you need it.

What do you do when you’re on the receiving end of someone’s bad day?

If you’re interested, you can watch the video here.

Easy Fixes and Comfort Zones

by EvieBurke, posted in comfort zone

Ever want an easy fix? To feel or be a different way instantly, because you know that things would be better then. Or to automatically be one month or two years in the future, because then you’ll have already dealt with the stuff that you’re going through now. That would be great, right?

I used to feel like that a lot. If it would just be next month or next year then this problem will be past, this issue will be dealt with, or this person will be different. Heck, I was feeling like that a couple weeks ago when I realized I had to take a definite step out of my comfort zone to continue moving forward.

And the uncomfortableness of stepping outside our comfort zone is really what wanting a situation to be past is really about, isn’t it? It’s scary to move outside of our experience, our safety zone.

There’s a funny thing about those things that we want to quickly move by: they help us grow. They move us toward something. They prepare us for our next opportunities.

Those things that we want to be over, so the uncomfortableness will be past, get added to our ever growing list of experiences and something odd happens – we’re no longer as uncomfortable with that experience. Our comfort zone has expanded to include that new experience that we just wanted to jump over.  And we’re presented with a new experience that’s outside our comfort zone.

Life is a growing experience.

Think about where you are experiencing this in your life and ask yourself these questions:

  • Have I ever done something like that in the past?
    • If so, how can I apply that experience here?
    • If not, what resources (people, books, websites, etc.) are available to me to help me out?

The questions are to help you find the resources you need to work through that situation just outside your comfort zone. Whether it’s a presentation, a project, or a conversation, use the tools available to you!

Once you know what resources you can use and perhaps have started using them, create a step by step plan – calling someone can be a step, but if you don’t know their number, that is its own step.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

LIFE – The Game Everyone Is Playing

by EvieBurke, posted in rules

Watch at least the first four minutes of this video by Dan Rezler:

Welcome to the Game of LIFE. The game every one is playing where the person with the most money wins.

Have you thought about the rules that you’re playing your life by? Are they the rules that you want to play and live by? Often, I find that I’m playing by rules that have been taught to me without thinking about it.

Someone tells me that they disagree with a decision I’ve made, well, perhaps I’d better rethink it, because they might know more about it than me. I make a mistake at work, well, I’d better be unhappy and frustrated about it all day to show that I understand that I’ve done something wrong and am punishing myself for it.

Those are just two examples of rules that I’ve lived by that I’ve realized I don’t have to. I get to choose the rules that I live by and it’s OK if everyone doesn’t agree with me. I also get to live with the consequences of those rules, whether they’re good or bad (if I decide that the speed limit is just a suggestion and get a ticket, then I get to pay a speeding ticket).

Consciously choosing the rules we want to live by can be scary, but it’s also very empowering.

I found this in the comments of this video:

My sister told me that to describe my strangeness to other people she says “It’s like everyone else is playing LIFE and she’s playing Monopoly, which is why she’s so confused that no one else is following her rules.”

And I told her “Why am I playing Monopoly? I want to play Clue. And why would you play LIFE? That’s a horrible game.”

I love this comment because she’s not only choosing the rules – she’s also choosing the game. And you get to do that too, it’s your life.

How To Change Facts to Fiction

by EvieBurke, posted in Default Setting

In my last post I asked what facts about yourself are no longer true? And what facts do you want to change?

Take a couple of minutes to think about one of those facts. No really, do it, I’ll be here when you’re ready.

Now that you have a fact or two. Let’s talk about a way to change those facts.

What are the messages you give yourself around these facts? Now, what message do you want to give yourself? This one can be tricky, because I know I automatically want to say that opposite of my old fact. However, as my coach points out, when we do that our subconscious can sabotage us because it’s going, “yeah right.” My old fact was “I’m uncoordinated.” So, saying “I’m coordinated” doesn’t really ring true. Sure, that’s how I want to feel or be, but I’ve spent a lot of time believing I’m uncoordinated, so saying the opposite isn’t going to magically make it true.

So, think about what if this fact wasn’t true? How do you behave? What do you experience? Who do you get to be? And replace your old fact with the new truth. It should be something that rings true for you.

For me, being coordinated meant better hand/eye coordination, but it also meant not being ashamed of myself when I couldn’t easily do something that I perceived my peers could easily do. So, if I was coordinated it meant that I could be more comfortable in my own skin and know I could easily keep up with everyone around me. So, a new truth I could have replaced my old fact with is “I’m strong and capable.” That rang true.

Actually, “I’m strong and capable” was an affirmation that I regularly used. I repeated it to myself over and over again before important or stressful meetings. I wanted to be more confident, but saying “I’m confident” didn’t feel true. “I’m strong and capable” felt true and reassuring. I also thought about how it felt emotionally and physically to be strong and capable. So, going into those meetings I would sit straighter, talk calmly and clearly and stay on topic.

What does your new truth feel like emotionally and physically? Use both that and the words as you work on replacing old facts.

If you’re having problems with coming up with a new truth, ask yourself why you want to replace your old fact. So, why do you want to be coordinated? Once you have an answer, ask yourself why again and keep going as long as you can. You’ll emotionally (and maybe physically) feel it when you get to the end. You might find you have a different fact you want to change.

Is That Fact True?

by EvieBurke, posted in Default Setting

When I was in high school I was tall and extremely uncoordinated. Adults who didn’t know me well would ask if I played basketball and encourage me to start when they found out I didn’t. After all, I was tall. I would tell them that I wasn’t very coordinated, so the basketball team probably wouldn’t want me and try to leave the conversation very quickly.

“I’m very uncoordinated” was a message that quite frequently played itself in my head. Run my book bag into something or someone: “Sorry, I’m just uncoordinated.” Drop something: “Oops, uncoordinated!”

At some point I stopped saying this to myself and others on a regular basis, but if it came up I would still have completely agreed with it. The funny thing is, at some point over the last several years something odd started to happen. When I would drop something, or knock something over I was sometimes able to catch it. While I no longer carry a book bag, I generally have a large purse with me and I don’t run it into people. And I can (usually) stand on one foot and put a sock on the other without falling over. All of that and I was still wasn’t coordinated!

Well, that’s what I told myself. I’ve recently realized that despite what I’ve been telling myself – I am coordinated. I’m not exactly sure when it changed, but I do know that I’ve unintentionally been working on it for a while. How? Well, I’m in better physical shape than I was in high school and much more aware of my surroundings.

When I realized that saying “I’m uncoordinated” was no longer true, I wondered what other facts about me are no longer (if they ever were) true. I’ve found a couple and am keeping my eye out for more.

I also realized that if I had wanted to I could have become more coordinated while in high school with a little bit of work (regardless of my lack of interest in joining the basketball team). So, what facts about me do I want to change now? I’m working on creating that list.

So, what facts about you are no longer true? And what facts do you want to change?