Category: comparisons

When it’s not fair

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, comparisons, perspective

why-do-we-get-so-stressed-outI was driving home and was at a point where two lanes merged into one shortly after an intersection. The cars ahead of me nicely merged together like a zipper, well before the lane ended. I left space to allow the car slightly ahead of me in the other lane to merge into.

That’s what you do, right?

Well, he didn’t merge. Instead, he attempted to get two cars ahead by speeding up past the cars ahead of me.

No one let him in. The car directly ahead of me actually sped up to make sure he couldn’t get in. So, he ended up directly in front of me anyway.

I don’t know what was going through the minds of the people ahead of me, but I imagined it was along the lines of “it’s not your turn you have to wait” or “Nope, no way you’re getting ahead of me.”

And I was struck by the fairness of it all. He had to wait his turn, it was only fair.

I laughed when he had to merge in front of me, but maybe not for the reason you think.

I laughed because none of it actually mattered. It wasn’t going to make any difference in how quickly any of us reached our destinations.

In fact, about half a mile later, the car that sped up to block the merge turned onto a side street! It wouldn’t have cost him any time to let someone merge ahead of him.

Why do we get so stressed out about these things?

In the above example, there was a commitment to fairness playing out – you have to wait your turn, that’s what’s fair.

It made me think of where I’m committed to fairness and where other people might be.

But how might a commitment to fairness show up in your business?

  • Someone with a similar product/service comes to the networking group that you’ve been attending for a while and everyone is raving about how great their product/service is – but no one has done that for you and you’re annoyed or frustrated. After all, you’ve been there much longer than she has.
  • You’re in a group program and you find out one of the other members is getting something you’re not and instead of asking about it, you compare notes with everyone else and stew on it.
  • Everyone gets x amount of time to talk about their business at your favorite networking group and you’re really annoyed when someone takes more time, after all, you didn’t get to talk that long.
  • Someone just started a business similar to yours and is having more success than you are, but you started first! You should be having that success!

Here’s the thing, being fair isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And fairness is taught to us from a very young age (stand in line and wait your turn).

So, it’s completely natural to find yourself miffed when you perceive something isn’t fair.

But here’s an important question to consider: Does being upset about the unfairness serve you or your business?

In the examples above, the answer is no. Being upset about unfairness only wastes your time and energy.

One of the other things happening in all the above examples is comparison. You compared yourself to them and it led to a feeling of unfairness, a thought that tells you they got something you didn’t and that’s not fair. As a result, there’s an underlying “me vs them” mentality.

What if instead of getting upset about it, you did one or both of these things below?

  1. Notice what you’re feeling and get curious about where that’s coming from for you.
  2. Get curious about the other person.
    If they’re more successful than you are, get curious about what they’re doing differently.
    If someone received an extra or bonus in a program you both participate in, get curious and ask (without judgment of them or you) how/why they received that bonus.

Opportunities to learn and connect are lost when you’re worried about fairness or comparing yourself to others.

Where do you notice yourself worried about fairness or comparing yourself to others? How does it show up for you?

If you’re feeling brave, share in the comments below.

Doing the work, success, comparing and energy

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, comparisons, perspective

In the past, I’ve written about magic pills – how sometimes all you want is someone to just tell you what to do so you can follow the predefined steps and have instant success and income.

In some part of you brain, you know that it’s not possible – but it doesn’t always stop you from looking.

Sometimes you jump into something that looks and feels like it is exactly what we need. But it doesn’t work the way you want. AND then it gets even more frustrating because you see someone else having the success that YOU want following the same steps (or program) that you are.

Let’s talk about why that happens.

You’ve joined this program that’s going to teach you everything you need to know to be successful in that area of your business that you’re struggling with. And in this program you meet Joan. She’s been in business for about as long as you have and you feel like you’re in about the same place – similar frustrations and struggles.

You and Joan are both fully engaged in the program, faithfully doing each step. Only you realize halfway through the program that Joan seems to be having more success!

You’re stunned! You’re following the same steps and doing the same work. Why aren’t you having the same success – or more!

Then you start comparing and wondering: What’s different? Does she have a better business model? Maybe her city is just better suited for her type of business than yours is? Is she more outgoing? Have a better network? Have friends better suited to help her out?

You’re looking for all the reasons you can think of for why she’s doing better. And you’re getting mad that the cards are stacked in her favor (and against you).

And then something changes, a perspective shift. You start thinking about and writing down what YOU are and aren’t doing. You take ownership of your results, both the good (that you’ve been glossing over because they weren’t Joan good) and the bad (that you’ve been alternating obsessing about and ignoring).

Suddenly, you’re not mad at or jealous of Joan anymore. You’re excited for her!

And your energy has shifted. You don’t even notice it at first – instead you noticed people behaving different around you, conversations are easier and you’re having more fun in your business.

You’re doing the work, but a little differently than you were before. Now you’re looking at the same steps and same work with a new set of eyes and it’s making a difference.

And your business – you’re serving more people and making more money – basically, you love it and are excited for where you’ll go with it next!

What’s your dream for your business? Whether 6 months out or 3 years! Share in the comments below.

Are You Comparing Yourself to Others?

by EvieBurke, posted in comparisons, motivation

ID-100154196Ever compared yourself to someone else? We all have.

Comparisons can be tricky things though. I see them used one of two ways:

  1. Beat Yourself Up
    This usually takes the form of “Why aren’t I as successful as they are?” or “Why do they get to do/have that and I don’t?” or “Why is it so easy for them and so HARD for me?”Whatever words you personally have for it, the general feeling is the same: I’m not good enough. And we beat ourselves up with someone else’s success.
  2. Motivation
    This can take the form of “That means it can be done!” or “Hmm, I wonder what I can do to have similar results?” or “I bet I can do that too!”In this case, the general feeling is excitement or curiosity. You see lots of possibilities and you have confidence in yourself.

The difference between the two? Well, besides the obvious, beating yourself up can be the start of a downward spiral (ohh yeah, I’ve been there!). If that happens take a breath, identify what is happening with a very brief description and decide what you want your next action to be. Then do it!

And remember that you’re comparing someone else’s outsides to your insides. You have no idea what obstacles they’ve overcome or are currently in the midst of – despite how perfect everything looks on the outside.

Now, going back to motivation, it can be the start of an upward spiral. Here, you let other people’s successes and experiences carry you forward. Notice when this is happening too! And enjoy the process.

Obviously, if I were to pick how you make comparisons, I’d pick motivation.

Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Image courtesy of feelart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net