Month: January 2012

What Does Being Happy Mean?

by EvieBurke, posted in attitude, Being Happy, Happiness
happy plastic doll

So, what does being happy mean? How would you define it?

I thought about this over the weekend and realized that there’s a difference between “being HAPPY,” emphasis on happy and “BEING happy,” emphasis on being.

And just what is that difference? I’m so glad that you asked!

Being HAPPY (emphasis on HAPPY)

When I think about being HAPPY I think about putting on a happy face no matter what you’re actually feeling. There are some benefits to this, by smiling you actually can start to feel better and happier. What I really mean by “putting on a happy face” is when you’re using a happy mask to hide whatever it is you’re really feeling – and you’re not just masking it for others, you’re masking it for yourself too – you’re not allowing yourself to feel the emotions – any emotions.

Another indicator of focusing on being HAPPY is mostly doing things that have the immediate result of happiness, otherwise known as instant gratification. Instant gratification isn’t always bad, but if you’re doing it at the expense of your long term happiness you’re probably more focused on being HAPPY.

So, if the above are what being HAPPY is, what is BEING happy?

BEING happy (emphasis on BEING)

When you’re BEING happy you realize that you won’t be HAPPY all the time. You’re human, you have emotions and it’s normal to be upset, angry, or frustrated sometimes. When you’re BEING happy you allow yourself to feel those emotions. It doesn’t mean that you sit and wallow in them, but you remember that they’re normal and you don’t beat yourself up for having those emotions. One other thing to remember, it’s difficult to fully appreciate happiness if you’re not allowing yourself to feel other emotions too.

BEING happy means that you’re not focused on instant gratification. You recognize that for some things there’s more happiness in waiting then in enjoying it right now. You know what instant gratification is. It’s when you buy that item you want even though you don’t quite have the money for it (but you get paid at the end of the week!) or you have a problem and you spend the time looking for a magic pill, but not the time to slowly tackle it bit by bit (think get rich schemes or quickly lose 10 pounds in a week promises).

BEING happy is about recognizing what you’re feeling and deciding how you’ll respond, instead of reacting. This brings me back to my definition of happiness:

Happiness is a state of mind that you choose to be in regardless of your circumstances or situation.

Happiness is a choice. You choose your own definitions and rules for your life – so which ones do you choose?

What does being happy mean to you? How would you define it?

What to chat with Evie about this? Schedule here.

Photo credit: Happy Man by Neal. via Flickr

Where Is The Service To Others?

by EvieBurke, posted in Being Happy

I recently shared some of my happiness tips with a small group of people and a concern was voiced – where is the service to others? The concern was that the tips focused too much on personal happiness and there was no room left for giving to others (volunteering) or doing things that might be uncomfortable, because those things might not make us feel happy.

There is a value of service to others being expressed. The concern is that we might not try being of service to others because we’re only focused on doing things that make us happy.

I think there are two things happening with this concern.

One – I didn’t do a good job of describing my definition of happiness.

Happiness is a state of mind that you choose to be in regardless of your circumstances or situation.

So, my definition of happiness is less about only doing the things that you think will give you a joyful feeling and more about choosing to be in a positive state of mind.

Two – the common assumption that happiness = being or staying comfortable.

Are you happy if you’re only doing the things you’re comfortable with? Probably, but eventually you’re going to get bored. Only doing the things you’re comfortable with is easy, but not a strategy for long-term happiness.

So, what’s a strategy for long-term happiness? Know your values and occasionally re-evaluate.

Your values are going to change over time. Certain things are going to be more important at certain times in your life and other things will be less important. That’s normal. So, evaluate what your values are on occasion (yearly, quarterly, whatever works for you).

Are you spending time on the things you value? If not, find a way to add more of that to your life. And step away from the things you’re doing that take time away from that. Is this process always easy and simple? Nope, it can be difficult to step away from things that you have been doing for a while. And it can be uncomfortable to take on new and different responsibilities or activities. But taking that step outside your comfort zone is extremely rewarding.

But let’s go back to the original concern: where does service to others fit into this? I have two answers:

One – if being of service to others is one of your values, then you’ll make time for it.

Two – doing volunteer activities that are a service to others does bring you happiness! Studies have proven it.

In the quest for happiness where do you think being of service to others (or volunteering) falls?

It Seemed That Life Was About To Begin

by EvieBurke, posted in Changes, Happiness

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
– Father Alfred D’Souza

That quote really resonates with me. I’ve probably mentioned it before, but this quote describes a period of my life. I was waiting, because there was so much to finish before my life could begin.

“When does my life get to be about ME?” If I didn’t have this exact thought I had one very similar. When I think about how I would have said that it’s usually as someone who’d been running around for everyone else and is exhausted and wants some time to herself. Occasionally, it’s with the voice of an annoyed teenager who’s been asked to do something for someone else that they don’t want to do.

I bet I said it as the tired adult, but my inner critic (that voice that says you’re not good enough, or some version of that) told me it actually sounded like that annoyed and whiney teenager. So, the thought would be quickly dismissed as selfish and life would continue without change.

There were lots of reasons to wait (I am always armed with many reasons, coughexcusescough). I had obligations to fill, expectations to meet and other people’s goals to achieve. So, my own needs, expectations and goals fell into the categories of “if I have time” or the never arriving “later.”

So, when did my life get to be about me? Well, the answer is simple and complicated and can be summed up in one sentence: When I decided it did. Simple to say, more complicated to accomplish.

Why was it complicated? Well, I believed it was important to be nice.  More specifically it was important that other people thought that I was a nice person. And to me that meant saying yes to things without really thinking about it, because if I said no (or even I need to think about it) they might get upset with me, and if they’re upset with me then I’m not nice or they won’t like me! This of course led to me wanting and needing to fill everyone else’s needs and expectations before my own. No wonder I was so tired!

I started making changes when I decided it was time to be nice to me. I didn’t know this quote at the time, but it sums up what I told myself as I started saying no more and stepping away from additional responsibility:

Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter. – Bernard Baruch

Heck, I still tell myself that on occasion when I realize I’ve taken on too much or that it’s time to reevaluate how I spend my time.

It feels weird to say my life is all about me – it feels selfish and unkind. But it’s not – you can’t take care of someone else unless you’re taking care of yourself. It’s like they tell you when you fly – if something happens put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help the people around you.

So, since your life has already begun – what obstacles do you want to remove to enjoy it more?

2012 Word Of The Year

by EvieBurke, posted in Goals, Word of the Year

When the year changes many people set resolutions – things they will do (or not do) to make this year different. I stopped doing resolutions a few years ago and started doing a word of the year instead, a word to inspire and guide me through the year. In 2010 my word was intention and in 2011 it was engage. I’m sure I had one in 2009, but I didn’t have a blog then to help me remember what my word was.

I started thinking about my word for 2012 about half way through December. In the past picking my word of the year involved dedicating a chunk of time to the process. I sat down with a worksheet, thought about it and reviewed my choices and decided what felt right for the New Year.

This year the process was completely different. Each time I the concept of a 2012 word of the year popped into my head it was immediately followed by the word “create.” Since it continued to happen, I knew that “create” was my word for 2012 and didn’t do the longer process with the worksheet.

I don’t exactly know why my word of the year process was different this year. Perhaps I’m hearing that small quiet voice and recognizing it as something to pay attention to, instead of ignoring. And I’m not as tied to needing a process laid out by someone else to pick my exact right word of the year. I trust myself more than in previous years.

Regardless of the process, my 2012 word is “create.” And in December it appeared in my vocabulary in a significant way even before I started thinking about my word of the year. It popped into my head one day in the form of a question: “What do I want to create today?” And I was able to answer it with clarity and enthusiasm!

“What do I want to create today?” is how I start each day now and sometimes how I end my day. It gives me a direction or a path to follow each day and energy for it too!

Last year I set several specific strategies about how I could be “engaged.” Right now my only strategy is to ask myself “What do I want to create today?” each day and be open what comes up.

There’s a lot of energy behind the word “create.” So, I’m excited to see how this word (and the energy) will appear for me in 2012.

Have you selected your word for 2012? I’d love to know what it is! Leave it in the comments below.